Implication: Saying Without Saying

"When can couple therapy be terminated?"

"When the husband says to the wife, 'This coffee is terrible'
and they BOTH know that he is talking about the coffee."
- Paul Watzlawick

            Implication is one of the most common ways that we unconsciously make meaning when we communicate. A speaker's words imply something that the listener infers. My wife says that she is cold, implying that she would like to be warm, and I infer that she would like me to turn up the heat. I say that I didn't hear about what our son did today, and she infers that I would like to know, so she tells me. If you examine your ordinary daily communications, you will find that implication is usually far more common than direct and explicit communications like, "Turn up the heat, please," or "What did Mark do today?"
            Implication is a result of attending to the more general significance or meaning of a particular scope of communication, action, thing, or event, categorizing it in some way. In a good relationship, thinking beyond what someone says to what else they might mean or want is a sign of respect, consideration, and caring. I hear my wife say that she is cold, I put myself in her position, and think, "I'll bet she'd like to be warmer; I'll turn up the heat." Using "other" position in this way is the basis for empathy and compassion, attending to others' needs and wants in addition to my own. Compassion and empathy is a fundamental component of any good relationship, and it is also a basis of any civilized society that treats all its members as human beings.
            Unfortunately, the ambiguity of implication is also an opportunity for misunderstanding, confusion, or worse, separating people rather than bringing them together. For instance, if someone gives you a present, what is the implication? Is it a spontaneous and freely given sign of appreciation‹"no strings attached." Or is it a dutiful satisfaction of a past obligation, or an atonement for some guilt, real or imagined? Does this gift imply a sexual invitation, create a future obligation, or something else altogether?
            Years ago, when a friend of mine baked some bread and gave a loaf to her psychoanalyst, the implications of that gift were explored for the next six months-at a hundred dollars an hour! As far as she was concerned, it was simply an appreciative gift, and not a symbolic communication that she wanted to "mother" him because he was immature, or that he was "loafing," or that he was doing a "crumby" job.
            In a good relationship, even these kinds of possible implication can be expressed and explored openly and playfully, with no one taking it very seriously, an opportunity for creativity and interaction. But if a relationship is strained, tense, or defensive, people have a tendency to search for negative and harmful implications that can be very damaging to the relationship.